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| when altruism is not such a positive good
what do you do when the choices you made in your past catch up to you? or more precisely, they were right there with you all along, but never made themselves so obviously clear until now? "i wish you had gone away after 2 months of knowing each other" he said. "now, i don't know."
the longer you stay in, the more embedded and invested you become. when is it time to cut your losses and break free? what if we had gone our separate ways? things would have worked out in some way, they always do. the beauty of life is that you cannot know what you have not yet lived through, so you cannot regret not having made that choice. the agony of life is that your mind can create all kinds of what ifs, and unless you're an especially pessimistic person, the what ifs usually are tantalizing, so you wish you had chosen differently.
can you fault someone for knowledge that they did not possess, even if they probably should have been better informed, more observant? i suppose if i have the upper hand, i try to tolerate it to a point. if i cannot tolerate it anymore, i cut my losses and run. the other alternative is to stick with it and keep on waiting until the day things improve. this option is usually viewed as the 'high road', the one that causes much suffering and builds character, tests patience, etc. but is it really the better choice? what if it never gets better? what happens if the frustration and suffering becomes overwhelming, to the point of causing devastation? even if things finally get better, do we ever really forget? is it really possible to forgive if we never forget?
individuals are not expendable. at least not the ones for whom you have a genuine concern, genuine affection, the ones to whom you are inexplicably drawn (though i suspect that there is always an underlying reason and it is not so inexplicable, it just takes some serious thinking). there are two ways it will end: eventual peace and bliss, or eventual permanent estrangement. theoretically, it's all in our hands what we make of situations. especially when information that has been staring us in the face is finally comprehended, there is no reason why things cannot become good. i just hope i keep my wits about me and manage to figure it out before the sun sets on what might have been a beautiful thing. hope springs eternal, but there is no beauty in man-made catastrophes. | | |
| I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along | | |
| sometime today i realized that i have no idea what is going on. that is usually the case, especially in physics or hard math courses, or in map-reading. those exceptions aside, i like to think that i otherwise have a good handle on things, as much as the average person does anyway. but i now come to question just how in control of my life i am.
Six years ago, I told someone that I did not find white men attractive, and that I definitely only found asian males attractive. A few months later, I ended up going to my senior prom with a white guy. From then on, the only people that have shown interest in me, and in whom I have been interested, have all been white males.
Five and a half years ago, while visiting Cornell with my parents, I declared that I would never go to Cornell because it was too isolated, too country-esque (there are cows and horses roaming about), and too cold. Guess where I am now!
Five years ago, while trying to decide where to apply to for college, I chickened out of applying to Penn's Huntsman Program, an international business program (which would have allowed for studying abroad and ample opportunity to explore life outside the US and have the money to support such exploration) because I did not want to take two semesters of calculus. I ended up being a Vagelos Scholar, and took three semesters of calculus and one 400-level math course. I am now a struggling scientist/potential med student attempting to re-learn the Mandarin and Spanish that I once knew, and longing to be able to have the time and means for traveling. Bottom line: I should have just done the Huntsman Program probably.
Four years ago, I joined my former boss's (microbiology) lab because I did not want to work in a chemistry laboratory. Proteins and chemicals did not sound interesting. I then spent three years in very cold rooms trying to clone genes into E. coli and purify specific proteins. Protein purification is either very simple, or notoriously difficult. Guess which was the case for me!
Three years ago, I scoffed at Apple and was an avid WindowsPC supporter. I now own a macbook.
Two years ago, I thought I took the last biochemistry/molecular biology course I would ever have to take in life. Guess what I have to take this semester!
One year ago, I decided to apply to Cornell for Food Science, because I thought I would finally do something that involved food (think cooking) and had immediate and relevant applications (read: not microbiology or basic science). Well, here I am, in the food science department, NOT working with food products, instead doing microbiology (and working on pathogens no less!)
Six months ago, I met all the first-year grad students in my department. Most of them were very nice; only two of them were rather disagreeable. One of them ended up, of course, being a co--inhabitant of my office space, and I now have to see this individual at least once a day, if not more.
A month ago, I finished the stat course that many first year grad students have to take, and the class that served as the setting for some unpleasantries between myself and the aforementioned individual. With the end of the stat course, I thought happily that I would not have to deal with this person in any way anymore. That same someone, who has managed to offend not only me, but everyone else in the office, now in fact is my superior (think TA) for a course that I must take this semester.
I think Carrie put it very nicely: "The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor." If there is an all-powerful being up there, I hope He/She/Whomever is having a jolly good laugh at my expense.
From now on, I will just presume that I do not know what is going on. If I look confused, this is why. I used to tell people that the only thing I KNOW is when I don't know something. I used to say that half-jokingly. I am now frightened at how honest and true of a statement that is. I perpetually don't know anything. | | |
| i have become an insomniac. i'm not sure why. i thought i might be dying, because i'm usually inclined to sleep all the time, far more than is appropriate or necessary for the average homo sapien. as far as i'm aware, i'm not nervous or anxious about anything, i am not taking any stimulants or other mind/hormone-altering substances, i'm not in love, i'm not in hate. i'm just not... sleeping. maybe it's the heat wave we're having in good ole ithaca. where's that biochem book when you need it?
in all this extra time i suddenly have on my hands, i have read a lot of kurt vonnegut, learned a few chinese characters, and realized a few things.
1. kurt vonnegut was probably racist, against black people.
2. kurt vonnegut liked sex and his ding-dong, as he puts it.
3. kurt vonnegut had a clever way with words that makes things that are not funny, funny when he wrote about it.
4. ithaca is a damn isolated place, if you lack a car or a significant other.
5. maybe hillary won't be the democratic candidate for president after all. woohoo.
6. just because something is true, doesn't mean it needs to be said.
7. if something must be said, there is usually a nicer and a meaner way to say it. you just have to think about it a little more.
8. if you just don't have the loving feeling for someone, you just don't. there's nothing to be done about it, and it's nobody's fault really.
9. in the end, the only sure things in life are death, taxes, and in my case, loneliness. | | |
| she wore white gloves and a shapeless overcoat. in one hand, she held a bulging plastic bag. on her back she carried a sagging bookbag that weighed her down. in the biting december cold, she walked alone, fending off the wind and the powdery snowflakes that fell from the gray-lavender sky. it seemed that she was the only living creature in existence. in the darkness, the bare-branched trees seemed to be specters of the dead, reaching out to her, grasping at her hungrily as she moved swiftly up the hill. the icy pellets that hit her face gave a feeling similar to that of being stung by a swarm of bitter bees. in the thundering silence, the soft whispering of a chimney provided warm comfort.
and then, she saw them. first one, then two, then three, four, five. the female doe was searching vainly for sustenance, while her four little ones huddled together on the soft, white blanket. suddenly, the mother looked up and spotted the human observer. for a second, their eyes met in mutual understanding. it was all she needed to snap her out of her lonely despair. if the female mother could make it alone, and with four little ones in tow, so could she. the pain of loneliness, of waiting to be finally let in, did not seem as overwhelming anymore. it would soon be a new year, a chance for new beginnings. after all, life is only what you make of it. millions of people out there were far worse off than she, and she decided then to make the most of everything she already had.
she waved goodbye to her transient friend and crossed the street, each step bringing her closer to the safety and comfort of home. | | |
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